I saw her

I saw her hurting.
I saw her tears,
         her regrets,
I saw how she blamed herself at night,
         how she tantalized herself.
I saw her fears,
         her doubts.
I saw the sadness.
       The one that engulfed her for several reasons
                                          or for the same reason
                                          or for one friend
                                          or for all people,
I saw her sadness.
I saw the way
                     she dreamed,
         the way
                     she screamed
   and the way
                     she contained it all inside.
I saw the way
                      she selflessly diverted
                      the attention from herself...
Selflessly?
I saw her shame,
         her beauty,
         her love
   and the way she was always genuine...
                                                             at least with me.
I saw how her delicate fingers shook,
         how they reassuringly held mine.
                      Reassurance for me or for her
                                                     or for the both of us
                            I couldn't tell.
I saw her devotion,
         her traits,
         her faults,
         her thoughts.
I saw her jokes
                        and I saw the way she laughed,
                                        the way she cried,
                                 and the way she then
                                                                 denied the world her tears.
I saw her contained
                              and I saw her liberal and free.
I saw her wild
         and polite
         and ashamed
         and hurt.
                 And I saw her happy.
I swear to God I saw her happy.
         And then I saw her  longing
                            to stay happy.
I saw her courage,
         her bravery.
I saw her responsible,
               formal,
               important,
               relevant.
I saw her care,
         her delight,
                          the way she was delicate
                                                                even if other people didn't see.
I saw her jumping,      
               excited,
               anticipating.
I saw her beat,
               tired,
               lonely,
               devastated,
               helpless.
I saw her curious,
               obvious,
               knowing,
               deft.
I saw her indifferent,
               scared,
         her cowardice.
I saw her art,
         her pride,
         her spirit.
I saw her patience,
         her forgiveness,
         her grudge.
I saw the light dancing and jumping from her eyes.
I saw her eyes,
         her eyelashes,
         her dark circles,
         her nose,
         her mouth,
         her insecurities.
I saw her heart,
         her soul,
         her broken bits and pieces.
I saw her needy,
               bubbly,
               cuddly
            soft, hard and firm.
I saw her hide,
                      she hid herself a lot,
         her shield.
I saw her pray,
               hope,
           sing and dance.
I saw her fallen
                       and I saw her steady.
I saw her shot,
         how she healed,
         her bandage,
         her excuses.
I saw her fight
          and win
           and lose
            and win and lose.
I saw her in lonely
         and in comforting nights,
               in lovely
         and in mistaken days.
I saw her family,
         her friends,
         her future
                       and I saw her alone.
I saw her scared,
               inspired,
         her denial.
I saw her arrogance,
               humble,
               trustworthy
         and feared.
I saw her neglected,
               collected.
I saw her today.
I saw her forgiven,
               mistaken,
          righteous and right.
I saw her faith,
               believing
         and lost.
And I could almost swear
             I saw her past,
                      her mistakes.
I saw her loved,
               cared for,
               hugged.
I saw her independence,
               shaking,
               feared for.
I saw her stubborn.
                             God damn it, she was stubborn!
I saw her accommodating,
               letting go,
               giving up.
I saw her hold on,
               persistent,
               insisting.
I saw her success,
               fail,
               get up and try again.
I saw her sweet,
               passionate,
               spiritful.
I saw her determined,
               careful,
               reckless.
I saw her mad,
               raging and calm.
I saw her vulnerable,
               powerful
         and in her element.
I saw her tired,
               exhausted,
               fatigued
        and energized.
I saw her insecure,
               loathing.
But I saw her beautiful.
I could almost swear I saw all of her.
I could almost promise I saw her complete.
I could almost insist
                              that I saw her better, clearer
                              than how others
                                                       saw
                                                              HER.
And I could say, frankly, that I love her.

           

the calm before the storm (3)

Smiles and laughs

Found in the company

Of caring people. 

in the arms of death

I've heard your voice,
I've seen your attitude
But all I can think of
Is you promising me
Of a future with you in it.
They say if you miss someone,
Sometimes, it's a sign that you're
Slowly moving on.
But I don't wanna move on.
I want you back,
Albeit I never had you
In the first place.
My darling,
Please let me in.
Let me see the pearls
That shine within you.
You lock me out
And I knock
And knock
And knock,
Desperate for the key
Or for you to open the door
And let me inside.
I pound on the door..
No one's opening.
I sling to the cold floor,
Tears streaming
Down my cheeks.
I scream,
I kick at the door.
Let me in, darling!
Can't you see, darling,
That I'm in deseperate need
Of you?
I'm sorry, darling..
My hands scan
The cold surface
Of the cold floor,
My legs thrusting
Frantically.
I'm sorry, darling..
All I can see
Are your eyes,
Asking if I'm Ok,
My nodding quietly.
Oh, my darling,
Aren't you aware
Of the war within me?
Oh, my darling, how I wish
For the ability
To withstand the blows
You aim at my core.
But I can only endure
The pain for so long,
I can't be a fighter forever
For even wars have endings.
Aren't you aware of the fire
You added wood to?
Aren't you aware
Of the knife
I'm holding
To my throat?
Let me in!
You're not glancing
My way anymore.
The words leaving your lips
Are the death of me.
The last thing I see
Before the infinite,
Peaceful,
Unending darkness
Are your furrowed brows
And your disapproving eyes.
I'm sorry, darling.
Will you grant me
The gift of forgiveness?
I guess
I'll never find out.

the calm before the storm (2)

The water looked beaten and tired,

Abused by the trash of humankind.

The waves moved back and forth

Disturbed by a soothing wind.

But it found a slow rhythm

To which it can move. 

peculiarity

Drawing,
sketching, painting,
they speak depths
when you can't.
But that time,
she wanted to be
her own representative.
This time
you get a glimpse
of the agony
within herself.

Heavy breaths,
contrasting chest,
tears flow down her cheeks.
"Sarah Kay lied," she thinks;
there are more than a few
heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix.
She was a pathetic loser.
Her hatred for herself
made it all the worse.
She wasn't amazing.
She wasn't anything for that matter,
It's not that she was
underestimating herself,
people were just overestimating her.
She was sad,
no,
more like crushed.
She was dizzy,
her head hurt.
She felt the stab
of more tears in her throat.
They wouldn't come out anymore.
She was walking,
moping around the house.
Her shoulders were heaving,
along with her breath.
She needed a release.
Her hands shook.
She hated herself.
She didn't know how
to stop confusing herself.
Brutally honest people;
the ones who told her
how fat she was,
the ones who
laughed at her
and her failures,
were too painful.
And the ones who
supported her,
who complimented her, well...
in a way,
they were painful too.
Because she so badly
wanted to believe them
but she couldn't
allow herself to.
She wasn't worth
those compliments,
she wasn't worth anything.

Perplexing Enigmas

Why is it that people think pain is beautiful?
....that some people have it easier?
Why all the assumptions about each other?
....the insecurities about oneself?
Why not walk up to a stranger and compliment them?
....and just take a picture with them?
Why is it that people think they'll find peace in death?
...in happiness?
Why is it that some of us find music soothing?
...chocolate soothing?
Why is it that people prefer sun and warmth over rain and cold?
...men and power over women and tenderness?
Why do people associate revolution with war?
...Egypt with the pyramids and desert?
Why do we burden ourselves and each other with standards?
...with expectations?
Why do people not smile as often anymore?
...not help each other as often anymore?
Why don't we reject the common stereotype?
...the filthy injustice?
Why is misery more common than satisfaction?
...poor more common than living?

the calm before the storm (1)

I stared off into the distance,

Intently watching the clouds.

Their edges were lit

By the golden sunlight

Of the rising sun.           

In my head

There played a sweet

And delicate melody

And my mind cleared.

I couldn't find the strength

To look away from the sky

And my eyes constantly

Tried to find the warm rays of the sunlight. 

Oblivious Masks

I guess one of the reasons why school is somewhat scary is because of the so-called masks.
I mean, that girl? The one that cries everyday at school might as well be simply attention seeking and a really good actress.
That girl that cries before she goes to sleep every single night? She may appear to you as the most well adjusted person you have ever met.
That quiet person in the back? She's maybe the funniest girl you'd ever encounter.
And that sweet little girl? Maybe she's a perverted poser.
That girl who always is acting like a kid? Maybe she's just stuck there 'cause she had no one to lead her on.
That rude bitch? She's just honest and maybe even a bit nice.
That outcast who's annoying and asks a lot of questions? Maybe she's extremely talented.
You know that queen bee? Maybe she just is that close with her friends to appear as a clique leader.
That popular kid with blonde hair? Maybe she's a shy girl and is really nice and relatable.
That person who cheats? Maybe she genuinely thinks she's helping.
That girl who is outgoing? Maybe she actually has friends who love her just the way she is.
That person who steps back in class? Maybe she's just a lazy ass girl.
That girl who's really clingy? Maybe she's just really lonely and wants your friendship.
That girl who's in the popular clique? Maybe she's quite a caring person.
That person who squints her eyes at you in a provoking manner? Maybe she's just trying to recognize her friends and enemies between the masses.
That girl who's crazy and always laughing, saying jokes that aren't funny? Maybe she's more messed up than you'll ever know and needs the laughs.
That girl who's nice to everybody and sweet and cute? Maybe it's just a facade to hide her competitive side.
That girl who snaps at everybody? She might be actually really helpful.
That kid who's wild and weird? Maybe she's fighting really hard to not lose herself.
That fan-girling squeaky person? Maybe, just maybe, she has feelings too and is more understanding than you know.
That girl who gives advice to everyone and makes everyone laugh? Maybe she's speaking of personal experience and has been this lonely, this sad before.
And you know that girl who's cursing all the time? Maybe it's her only way of expressing herself.
You know that kid who's always asking about how she looks? Maybe she's just really insecure.
You know that girl who asks stupid question? Maybe she's just curious and is actually really cool.
Maybe I was wrong in all of the interpretations I made but these are just the glimpses of truth I managed to catch while observing.